Saturday, 23 May 2015

Book Review: Irvine Welsh - A Decent Ride (Guest Post by Terry Blanchard)

Terry Blanchard features in my first book, Borrowed Time. Blanchard will also be appearing in the sequel to Borrowed Time, currently in the works with a proposed 2016 release. Big Terry is currently serving time in the Grafton Correctional Centre for possession with intent to sell or supply and two counts of grievous bodily harm with intent. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen:

Avoidin’ blokes in prison has its ups and downs. It helps to set the stalls out, ya know? Mark ya territory. Like breakin’ some poor cunt’s jaw on ya first day! Since then, the rest of the degenerates I have the pleasure of sharing the confines of prison with have backed off. A serious pro in the shower department, but when you’re a man of the world – like meself – it gets pretty lonely when no cunt talks to ya simply because they’re scared shitless! So, along with drinkin’ beer and playin' rugby league, havin’ a good ol’ chin wag seems out of the question for the foreseeable future, too.

So a couple of weeks on, I’m sat on me Pat Malone and this bespectacled cunt comes rollin’ a trolley full of books down the concrete corridor past me cell. Never been a reader meself. Most blokes who’ve been diggin’ holes on local council for most of their lives aren’t, are they?

Anyway, this shiny new book on the edge of the trolley grabs me attention. The silver writin’ in blocks letters with the name IRVINE WELSH on it. So I stop the bespectacled cunt and he’s shiverin’ and shakin’ like he's got pneumonia. I tell him to settle down and snatch the book off the trolley, as he scurries off like a frightened cat.

So I look at the cover and it has this greasy lookin’ farker with the corkscrew hair and those big hipster sunnies sittin’ in his taxi. A Decent Ride. Not a bad title, ay. I start readin' the back of it and blow me farkin’ down, the main bloke in the book has the same name as me! A ‘Juice’ Terry Lawson. Whatever this ‘Juice’ business is about, I’m farked if I know at this stage, but with a name like Terry, the cunt can only be a good bloke, ya know?

So I start readin’ and I have to say, it’s the first time I’ve laughed in ages. Actually I was howlin' so hard they said me laughs were heard in the next cellblock! That funeral speech. Some farkin' balls, this Terry Lawson character! 

Terry’s a Scotsman. Mad as a cut snake, too, I might add. The whole thing’s based in Edinburgh. I like this Welsh bloke and how he spells words the way people speak. Not seen that before! Not that I’m an avid reader but when ya watch the telly, ya hear all these cunts speakin’ the Queens. It’s bullshit if ya ask me. Shit like this? It caters for the workin’ class! I’ll be soundin' like a Scotsman after readin’ this, hah!

Anyway, this Terry’s a mad shagger. Been in porn films and the like, although he calls it "scud". Apart from drivin’ taxis, he likes the Ajax, too, although since I’m here in prison because of the “ching” I’ll not say too much more on the subject. Still a sore point, ya know? Anyway, I can attest to the shaggin’, cos I go alright between the Egyptian cotton meself.

There’s plenty of other chargers throughout this one, too. This Jonty McKay character reminds me of the bloke out of the only other book I’ve read. That cunt in Of Mice and Men; Lenny. Only read the book ‘cos it was a part of me English exam at school, ya see. Suffice to say I failed the comprehension test. Not sure if I finished the book, either. Can’t honestly remember, if truth be told. Anyway, young Jonts seems like he’s a sandwich short, if you catch me drift? Loves his Chicken McNuggets, his “wee” Jinty, not to mention his canary-yellow fleece. I could do with some Maccas meself right now! Anyway, I had to chuckle every time the poor bastard repeats himself with an "aye sur, aye sur”. Farkin’ brilliant!

Then there’s this Yank dickhead, Ronnie Checker. Typical seppo; full of piss, vinegar and self-importance. He hardly gets any of Tezza’s jokes or humour, but that’s just the seppos, innit? They don’t get the dry wit of the British and us Aussies, do they? 

Anyways, I won’t ruin it too much for those cunts who’re yet to put their peelers on A Decent Ride. All I’ll say, though, is that this Irvine Welsh bloke is my cup of tea and I don’t say that about too many cunts these days. As for ‘Juice’ Terry. I wish I could have a few beers with this "radge"! Show him the Aussie way and the succulent taste of Tooheys Extra Dry. Terry 'n' Terry. Nice ring to it, don't ya think? He’ll have damn side better time with me than that seppo arsehole Checker! Might even get meself to Scotland when I get out of the clink. Mind you, immigration might have somethin’ to say about that… 

Righto, time to break someone else’s jaw in order to get one of those hidden iPhones I hear they keep around this joint. I need to Wikipedia this Irvine Welsh character. He might have some more books to read! 

Five Farkin' Stars!

By Terry Blanchard.